Guys, trust me on this, you don’t have to surrender your Man Card to spend time in the garden. Well, unless your buddies catch you wearing your girl’s cotton garden gloves and floppy hat, then yeah, you do.
But come on, no self-respecting man would do that, right? What you need is a different perspective. Instead, think of your backyard garden as an excuse to get bare-knuckle, knee-scratchin’, sweat-drippin’ dirty. Think of it as your outdoor man cave. Somewhere you can spit and scratch and blow snot rockets all you want, and never apologize for it.
Imagine a space where you can sport as much plumber’s butt as those old jeans allow, and never once pull ’em up. It’s a little slice of heaven where you can drop an occasional F-bomb and grunt and all you want, but nobody can hear you because you have Skynrd and GNR on blast. Mine smells like sawdust, stale beer and WD40, not lavendar and rose petals. Call it whatever you want; I call mine the Man Garden.
In the Man Garden, I am God. I cast a big shadow, leave a heavy footprint and dole out life and death unapologetically and with reckless abandon. The Man Garden is a beautiful blood-and-guts battleground. Don’t let the pretty flowers and the fluttering butterflies fool you. Chaos and serenity collide in the Man Garden. Don’t believe me?
This spring, when everything begins to really take-off in your garden, spend a few minutes on your belly in the dirt. Go ahead! It’s just a little dirt. What you see will amaze you. It’s an outright bloodbath. Look carefully down there… under that vibrant yellow cucumber blossom. Follow the trail of red ants. Guys, here’s where it gets good. Eventually the single-file line of ants thickens to a chaotic moving mass of tiny, ticked-off killers. In the center of the fray is one very unfortunate garden bully– a centipede under attack. Now, look to your left. That earthworm you see is vital to the health of your garden, but he’s in trouble. Serious trouble. Frantic, the little guy is pushing as fast as he can to get back underground before the blue jay on the fence takes another whack at him. The first peck left a nice gouge in him, but try as he might to get to safety, he cannot. All around you, chaos ensues. Snails hustle to beat the morning sun. A praying mantis makes quick work of a lethargic butterfly. A fly drowns slowly in the nectar of the zucchini blossom.
Under the thick blanket of vinca minor and beneath the leaf mulch lies terrible, noisy chaos and conflict. Tarantino couldn’t script the story any better.
Editor’s note- photo: smosh.com
This article is the thirteenth in a series of 26 consecutive articles, as part of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge for the whole month of April. Tomorrow, I’ll post an article with a title that begins with the letter “N”… So goes the rest of the alphabet, through the end of the month.
In closing, I have a little challenge for you. Because the letters “Q” and “Z” pose a challenge of their own, send me a title idea beginning with those letters. If I choose to write your title, I’ll send you a small prize to show my appreciation. Use the comments box below, or email your title to firstname.lastname@example.org